"i may forgive, but i never forget." i've lived like that, no matter how much people disagree or how much i hate it. that's just how i've lived (almost) 19 years of my life. so i'm not going to change that particular view of mine. but for those of you who disagree, i at least want a chance to explain myself.
to me, forgetting something means to completely erase the fact that it ever existed. if i were to forget a depressing time in my life, that would mean that it never happened. but that's silly; because it did. it happened, i learned. i can't possibly forget the past, because the past makes the present, and there would not be a present without it. i am what i am because of my past experiences; if i were to forget it, it would mean that i did not obtain any knowledge from it. but i did, so i cannot forget.
forgiving is different. i've heard the "forgive and forget" speech, but it doesn't appeal to me. i can forgive someone for something they've done, but that does not mean i've forgotten their deed. i may refer back to it countless times, maybe even with a bitter tone in my voice. i don't do it because i can. (that'd be stupid, bringing my own self some pain.) i do it because i'm still remembering it, because i never forgot it. if it comes out, it's sometimes without me knowing. i don't want to; but it just happens. so even if i sound like the deed was not forgiven, it was; it's just how much impact it has on me now. if it's pretty damn significant, then it will come up in my conversations. i'm sorry in advance, but that's just how i am.
sure, some things people have done still hurt me. whenever i remember, i still get bitter or sad. but i have to also remember that it is the past, it's already been done. so forgiveness, i give. but i can never forget. i never will. i don't plan to in the future. but i won't let it plan my future, either. it is a helpful lesson learned. i'm just using it as a tool in the present, to help prepare for the future. because somethings in my future, i am not going to give up on. i look forward to what's in store for me. so the past, i keep.
and happy halloween. (partay-hartay goin' on up here...)
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i miss you.
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dude... october is already over. but i've only been in college for a month. those two facts make no sense next to each other.
five days since the last gloomy post, and i feel tons better. thanks guys :)
poetry site for your reading pleasure.
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f*ck! (and i am sorry for offending anyone with such vulgar opening.)
why am i so god damn negative? i am so pessimistic it's almost masochistic. i have no life in me, there is nothing i smile about, there is nothing worth smiling about. happy people make me sick.
and the most optimistic person, you, are the most disgusting of them all.
i wonder where my negativety is coming from? hmmm... me? oh, i guess i'm part of it. but why? well, there's you. maybe i'm wrong, but aren't you the cause for me being so negative? because i think about you, i get depressed and negative? huh? i want to blame this depression on you. because of your constant yelling, your persistance for me to change my views... because i'm so f*cking attached to you.
but i can't.
though you've chastised me like a kid, though you've pissed me off more times than i'd like, i can't blame it on you. i am pissed though; for all the times i've yelled at you because you agitated me. but what an ass i can be. i mean, you can be so damn annoying about things... but you were only trying to help.
i don't mean to hurt you, i don't mean to piss you off, too. i just don't know who i am becoming. i'm so lifeless it's scary. don't you remember the happy me? the mai you used to know? the mai you're used to seeing? don't you remember? that is how you remember me, right? of course. but if you could only see me now... hollow eyes, no color in my emotions, let alone any emotion in me at all. well, not the happy ones, i guess. yeah, if only you could see it.
i remember how i was, how i used to be. good times... never to repeat itself again.
but if you back out on me, too... well, then... i really am good as dead. i know i give you shit and you give me shit and life shits on everyone. but if you go, too, i don't know what to do... even more so than now.
i am broken.
you have to remember how to put me back together.
because i don't.
don't go... please stay and help.
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Tuesday, October 21, 2003
omg!!! evanescence's new single is "my immortal"!
let the goosepumps appear once more,
let the tears overflow.
the song is one of my all time favorites.
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one week and a day it's been, since my last post. i want to thank those of you who left a comment (or two) in response. i just could not stand not hearing back from you guys. i miss all of you like nothing else in the world... i needed that. so thank you.
the weekend was long in terms of hours, but short in terms of days. basically, i had some stuff to do, and i didn't have time for myself. friday night was not as i expected it to be (though still enjoyable), saturday was homecoming game (so i was with the band the whole day), and then today, i went to downtown davis to pick up some job applications. i got myself about 14 of them, so yeah. one of them has to hit a jackpot. please. lol... 'college kid' might as well fit under the category of 'the needy'.
other than that, though... wow. i think today was one of the most complicated yet resolute days i've had in weeks. everything went wrong, then went right. i guess you have to become a total wreck before aid is given, i guess. my "morning" started off about two in the afternoon (hence the word "morning" in quotations), and it was not a good start. i didn't feel great for the whole day due to that, but i walked my problems away (getting job applications... which wasn't the happiest thing in the world, either). then, i came back around 7:30pm, and that's where it all changed. the problem that had surfaces this morning was solved, i did some calling on my phone, and strengthened ties. i resolved the biggest problem i had in a matter of 30 minutes. then i checked my site, and more comments. i really love you guys, i do. thanks again.
now the only thing i need is sleep. i have not gotten any sleep (well, not at all enough). and i won't be able to sleep in the whole week coming up. but i'm still functioning, i guess. i'll just have to watch myself.
i miss you guys. don't forget that, all of you.
with love,
mai/ momma mai/ mommy/ nala/ lil BIG sis/ oney-chan/ sharona/ half mike/ lesbian/ pretty, pretty princess/ brutha 4/ big sis/ BJs/ and any other name you've addressed me as (and i know of it). i don't forget those easily, you know. and each one is very special to me.
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a question to the general public: does anyone read this site anymore?
sometimes, i feel like i'm writing to an empty crowd. seriously, maybe it's because i'm no longer in anaheim and you guys are slowly forgetting me. or maybe i'm just not worth your time. that saddens me, seriously.
i made this site to keep in touch with you guys in anaheim. instead, i'm doing nothing but typing my feelings into an html box. that loses all the meaning that i put into this site. and i know how it goes. when they're gone, they're no longer as important to you as they were before. it happens to everyone. i have been in both situations: the one left behind and the one leaving. it is far easier for the person who leaves, but it's far easier for the people left behind to forget. that's because they are only considering one person. for the voyager, you have to consider all his/her friends. and it's far easier to forget one person than to forget a herd of people. sure, it might depend on the person, but commonly speaking, that statement holds true.
i wish i could have more time to keep in contact with a lot of you down there. i wish i could call everyone everyday and tell them that i miss them, tell them that i thought about them today... but the truth is, i can't. there's obviously schoolwork, classes, marching band rehearsals, and money. if i had money growing in my desk, hell, i'd call all of you and tell you guys how much i miss you all. but i'm not a magician or anything. and if i had more time to myself, i'd use it to keep in touch with you guys, but i don't. and i miss talking to you all, hearing the familiar voices, telling the infamous inside jokes...
and when i do have time, i update this journal, because i pledged to myself that i'd keep in touch with my socal friends through this blog. but no one comments, no one cares, no one gives a shit. i read your blog, everyday. if i have any time, i make sure to click on the links on my site, and look at each and every single one of the sites listed. i leave comments here and there, so you guys can see i have read your posts and such. that i still care for you guys. that i really do miss you guys more than i show it.
... but nothing in return. am i writing these posts for no reason? there's no feedback, no life. how ironic, because i started this to keep in touch. and maybe you're reading this now and feeling pity for me or something... "oh, i should leave a comment now, 'cause i feel bad for her." i don't want you leaving a comment because you feel sorry for me. if that's why you're going to leave any feedback, i'd rather not get any at all. or maybe you're secretly laughing inside, because you think it's funny. then, you're just cruel. i'm serious. you shouldn't be reading this then, if you think i'm not worth your time. either way, i just want to know that i'm not doing this for no one. and there are exceptions; i know people who leave comments, and i thank them through their site (thanks to vu, in particular). i can't keep in touch if it's just me writing here and you not writing back (and when i say 'you', i mean ALL of you i know). i'd much rather enjoy talking to you on the phone, better yet, in person. but since those are more difficult to accomplish, i write my feelings here.
no matter what, i'm going to visit each and every one of your sites, regardless if you read mine or not. because i'm going to try and do my part of keeping in touch. but it never works if both aren't trying.
-- oh, and for people whom i haven't been able to contact through any website, i will definitely write you an e-mail the next time i have time. because the bottom line still stands: i miss you all.
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Thursday, October 09, 2003
no real update lately. which indicates either less time on my hands (i'm sure it's this one) or inactivity of my brain (i hope this ain't it... i am in college, after all).
maybe when i am enlightened, i will write. it could be in five minutes, maybe not for a month. until then, my pen will remain inert.
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Wednesday, October 08, 2003
by the way, did i ever tell you the outcome from the first football game of the season? no? allow me.
football game #1: vs sac state (sucs)
so the first quarter looked bad. they score once and the board reads 7-0, sac state. students from the home stands came with "f*ck davis" t-shirts. well isn't that nice. and we have our own shirts... but we're better. we stay put and watch the game. second quarter we score to tie the game, 7-7. but soon thereafter, they steal the ball and score. we're one touchdown behind. then, we get a field kick, and it's good. so 14-10 sac state, and we go into half-time.
RUDE. they are incredibly rude. for those of you back home: if you thought villa park and us were bad, think again. it was absolutely appalling. (nice water bottle you through at us during half-time. yeah. bad aim, though.)
anyway, back to the game. third quarter, they score again... i remain hopelessly hopeful. soon enough, we score again, keeping close at their heel. the score now 21-17 sac state. and the moment we've all been waiting for: the first lead in the game. we score two consecutive goals, bringing our score up to 24-21 uc davis. but no time for cheers. fourth quarter goes on without any touchdowns until the last few minutes of the game. sac state scores and the lead is reversed, 27-24. they didn't make the field goal, though. the clock keeps ticking, and we're all nervous. there was enough time left on the clock to change the outcome of the game. so we used it, of course.
fourth quarter, 1:17 or so left in the game. we slowly inch our way to the end of the field. the band plays, the crowd cheers, then falls eerily silent.
0:18 seconds left.
clock ticking...
the crowd cheers. for a split second, you didn't know from which side of the stands the racket came from; there was just too much going on at once. but then i look across at the home stands and everyone is standing up... to leave.
we won over our rival, sac state, with 18 seconds remaining on the clock. it was an amazing game with very high points throughout the night, and damn, we felt good.
not such a bad experience for a first game for a 1st year. as a matter of fact, it was the best way to start off my college band days.
random fact of the day:
did you know that october 18th is national "sweetest day"? mmhmm. basically, it's a day where you show the ones you love the most that you truly care. so do them a favor: get them something, do something special for them, "just because". i love those. share the love.
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Tuesday, October 07, 2003
happy birthday, kevin :) i'm sorry i can't be there to celebrate such a great day with you. i hope all your wishes come true, and i'm glad to have you as a friend and i-fam son. can't wait until thanksgiving!! festivities man, you...
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whew!! though it looks like i hardly did anything to change this site, oh... i spent several hours on setting the archives right. the template did not allow for changes like mine, so i had to change most of the html from scratch. the same goes for my poetry site. although it's something "small", i feel proud of myself. haha... my brain is fried.
but i'm still happy.
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it's not good to take things for granted. yeah, but we always tend to learn that the hard way, don't we?
been getting into songwriting lately. i wrote about 6 or 7 within the last three days. it sucks that i don't have a guitar with me; i have a melody line for all of them, too. damn.
poetry class is genius. wow. i write more than ever before. and i like it.
band? dayum. go trumpets; props to them for hitting those screeching high notes.
awesome weekend. one of the best ones i've had in a long time. thanks to all those who contributed.
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Thursday, October 02, 2003
today is a beautiful day.
the sky seems to greet me,
the clouds are waving at me.
and the flowers bloom so beautifully.
and i cannot stop smiling.
thank You.
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Wednesday, October 01, 2003
You represent... hope.
You're quite a daydreamer and can be a hopeless
romantic. You enjoy being creative and don't
mind being alone at times. You have goals, and
know what you want in life... even if they are
a little far fetched.
sounds about right...
holy shiz. big weekend coming up for me.
i have band practice all this week, so that takes all my time from my studies. i'm trying to fit in as much time to study as possible, though. this saturday is the BIG football game vs. our "rrrival", sac state. i'm psyched about it; my first college game (with the band) is against our rival. nice.
i also am trying to meet up with a very special person in san francisco, because she's up here this weekend. i'm going to try my best to go see her, but the train fare is damn expensive, and a college kid can use that money for books. but i'm going to try. my hopes aren't high (huge homework due monday anyway), but i'm hopeful nonetheless.
mentally fit, physically ill. which to follow, which to follow...
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